I’m happy to say that my good friend Crystal is getting married. And by good I mean only. And by only I mean she spoke to me once.

Just kidding… *nervous laugh*

But seriously, this announcement brings me great joy because it implies wedding cake in the near future. I guess it also implies the whole “let’s enjoy a happy life together thing” but priorities are priorities. Anyway, Crystal doesn’t want to choose bridesmaids so she is holding open tryouts for the positions. I told her I would advertise on this blog since it gets SO MUCH TRAFFIC.

If you’re interested please send Crystal a 5-page statement detailing your credentials, cooking abilities (she’ll want to be fed), and a haiku that demonstrates your commitment to environmental sustainability. Applicants will also have to successfully complete an obstacle course featuring a wall, several balloons, me throwing rocks, and milk cartons. Make of that what you will. You are more likely to be chosen if you give Crystal presents.