Have you ever read one of those “choose-your-own-adventure” books? Where you get the end of the page and you can choose one of two or three options and you go to a different page based on what you choose? I have. It was the worst book I’ve ever read. So I decided to replicate it in blog form.

BEGIN.

1) You’re unemployed and just spent 3 hours in an ice cream parlour. You are about to pay when someone throws a rock through the window of the parlour. You:
– Run after the person who threw the rock (Go to 2)
– Pretend to run after the person who threw the rock but actually just run away without paying (Go to 5)
– You threw the rock (Go to 4)

2) Ok there Indiana Jones. You take off in a sprint and soon hear cop sirens behind you. You:
– keep chasing the felon (Go to 7)
– stop to talk to the police (Go to 3)

3) I am the police and I decide to arrest you. Luckily I can be bribed. Do you:
– buy me a pie. Go to 15.
– buy me ice cream. Go to 15.
– buy me both. Go to 8.

4) Clearly you did not. The rock was thrown from outside of the ice cream parlour. How were you both in and outside at the same time? As a consequence of trying to take credit for other people’s actions, go to 13.

5) Yes! A clean getaway – all eyes are on the vandal and nobody suspects you! *CRASH* !!!! You are hit by a bus! Luckily,
– you are made of steel (Go to 9)
– you don’t care because you have health and life insurance (Go to 11)
– you fell down a manhole (Go to 12)

6) What the – there’s a dented bus in the way! You feel yourself being pulled toward the giant magnet… and then… DARKNESS!! Go to 10.

7) You realize that you are not Indiana Jones and collapse on the sidewalk, winded. The police come over and mistake you for the vandal. By the way, I’m the police officer. Do you:
– bribe me (Go to 8.)
– don’t bribe me (Go to 16)

8.) NEVER trust a corrupt police officer. I put you in the slammer. End. Actually go to 13 first.

9) You have dented the bus. What’s worse is that the guy who threw the rock through the window is now coming at you with a giant magnet. You:
– Turn left and run (Go to 6)
–  Turn right and run (Go to 14)

10) I could not come up with a good way to continue this scene. Go to 19.

11) Jokes! You don’t have health insurance! You’re unemployed, remember? Go to 13.

12) Whew! Nice getaway! You build a raft and travel through the sewers. How long do you wait before resurfacing?
– 15 minutes (Go to 21)
– 5 days (Go to 17)
– you stay in the sewer forever (Go to 18.)

13) A dog bites you. End.

14) Steel people aren’t the brightest. You ran right back to the ice cream parlour and the server is NOT HAPPY about your little dine-and-dash. You:
– Pay for your ice cream, apologize profusely, and buy Heather a vanilla cone. Go to 20.
– Pay for your ice cream, apologize profusely, and cry on the sidewalk. Go to 13.

15) I’m still hungry. Go to 3.

16) Go back to 7 and try again, jackass.

17) After 5 gruelling days of battling sewer rats and hippies, you resurface in what seems to be… heaven? Nope! Better – you’re in Saskatchewan! Go to 20.

18) First you try to be Indiana Jones, now you think you’re a Ninja Turtle. Please. Just go to 13.

19) Now go to 13.

20) You win!

21) You look around. Everything looks… familiar… BACK AT THE ICE CREAM STORE!! Wow, massive fail on your part. The police are there and they’re looking for you. Head on over to 3.

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