If I could be the wizard who creates standardized exams, I would recreate the GRE to look like the sample below. It’s only 4 questions long, but based on what my brain is telling me right now, it is definitely a good predictor of grad school success. Try it out and see how you do!

Q: I have three triangles. One has a base of 4m while the other two have bases of 6m. One of the triangles is equilateral on Tuesdays and turns into a square on Fridays. The other two are always triangles and one of these has a height that is 8% of the height of the triangle that sometimes turns into a square. How many different children’s jigsaw puzzles can I make with these three triangles?

a) 9
b) 71
c) 3.4
d) 0
e) -8

Q: Choose the option that best completes the following sentence: Billy goats, having never __________ on bamboo rafts, are unlikely to _____________ such a _________ _________; no ___________.

a) chewed, eat, beautiful craft; kidding
b) reproduced, survive, torrential downpour; more goats
c)  neoprotothized, marostercate, umelo tideyabeth; rzhymbot
d) departed, make, lengthy journey; Catholicism
e) red, wooden, majestic tree; rock
Q: Suzie lives in Alberta and Jamal (I love how test-makers always include ethnic names. Must. Prove. Not. Racist.) lives in British Columbia. Both want to move to Ontario, but because of population caps, only one can go. Suzie would move to Manitoba if she can’t get into Ontario, but only if she can’t find a job in Newfoundland. In Newfoundland, 8 of 12 companies have a 35% chance of hiring but 6 of these companies are sexist and won’t hire females. Furthermore, Jean, who lives in Quebec, is also trying to get into Ontario. Unfortunately, Gilles Duceppe has gone mad (WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO BLOC?!) and is trying to prevent people from crossing the border. Jean sneaks over the border during the night and if he is not caught by Duceppe, there will be no room in Ontario for Jamal and Suzie. Jean has a 72% chance of making it *conditional* on him remembering to wear his invisibility cloak. Given this information, what is Ontario’s population 5 years from today?

a) 13m
b) 7.8m
c) The world is ending in 2012
d) 4x
e) This question is nonsensical

Q:  If you line up 5 pigs from nose to tail and each pig is 1.5 metres long, how long is your pig line?

a) 8.5m
b) 7.5m
c) 7.3m
d)  both (a) and (b)
e) neither (a) nor (b) but maybe (c)

Answers will be posted tomorrow and/or Tuesday. By the way, CCTOWYWSIGS stands for Captain Cool’s Test of Whether You Will Succeed in Grad School. I like it because it looks like a melding of “cow toy wigs”.