My housemate asked me what bird I would be if I could be any bird. I told her that I would be a roadrunner because it’s a bird that can fly but is all “screw you, genetics and evolution and so on, I’m gonna run around at rapid speeds”Roadrunners defy what it means to be a bird. And don’t compare it to an ostrich because ostriches just can’t fly; they have no choice but to walk around. Ostriches are more of a failed bird. Roadrunners are super-birds.

But then I looked up “roadrunners” on wikipedia and discovered that they are part of the cuckoo family. I also discovered that cuckoos are spawns of satan. Look at these pictures:

IT IS WAITING TO POUNCE AND EAT YOUR SOUL! Here is one that is clearly plotting its grand scheme to take over the world:

My god. But look. They aren’t just evil – they’re crazy too:

Why does it have hypnotic eyes?! NO BIRD SHOULD BE LIKE THIS. Also, NO BIRD SHOULD EAT OTHER BIRDS:

The small one is a warbler, and you might think that it’s feeding the cuckoo, but I think that the cuckoo has lured the warbler with hypnotism and is now preparing to eat it as a hearty snack before it moves on to small children. Here’s one eating firey balls of death:

What is it eating? Berries? No. Capsules of death and destruction? Probably.

 

August 6: the day I found out that the bird I most admire is actually a witch. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

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