My dad always told me never to make jokes at anyone’s expense but my own. I therefore tried refrain from mocking the Occupy movement but a series of unfortunate events (see: Occupy Vancouver’s list of demands, the Occupy Harvard club, and a little old woman not being about to walk through a used-to-be-public area for safety reasons) have left me no other choice. I must mock. Know that it is done with a loving heart. Know also that I probably never followed my dad’s advice.

I mostly want to discuss this “Ever-Evolving Draft of Demands“, put out by Occupy Vancouver. In no particular order, let’s take a look at some of their demands.

28. We demand massage, dental and eye care be covered under the health care system.”
Yes. We, the 99% poor people of Canada, need free massages. Sleeping in a test makes your back sore. It’s not a privilege, it’s a right.

7. “We demand that Canada pulls out of all free trade agreements – including repealing NAFTA”
The future under this proposition: Canadians die of scurvy because oranges don’t grow here. We import them from the United States. At least we can get some back massages before we die.

40. We demand the release of all non-violent prisoners
Read: I want my drug buddies to be able to hang out with me.

34. “We demand that post-secondary education be free”
I don’t even know where to start.
#1 Education costs money.
#2 75% of people in the world don’t even have access to primary education. Is this really the best use of funds?
#3 $5000 a year for tuition? So exorbitant! Especially in comparison with the $20,000/year tuition at most U.S. schools.
#4 Education costs money
#5 Stop smoking pot and do well in school so that you can get a job.

11. “We demand the return of the long form census”
Ok, I can get on board with this. But I want a free massage after I fill it out!

38. We demand that prostitution be legalized and regulated as it is in New Zealand.
Here’s another idea. You move there.

43. We demand that GMO’s … be banned.
1) It’s GMOs, not GMO’s. Maybe this free education thing wouldn’t be such a bad idea.
2) Great, then over 90% of canola farmers in Canada will be put under because over 90% of the canola grown in Canada uses GM technology. Way to protect the farmers.
3) Also thanks for shutting down life-saving technology such as Golden Rice. All in the name of organic oranges! Oh wait, we can’t have those because we don’t trade anymore. I guess I’ll go munch on an organic twig.

 

I would continue, but I lost interest before I started. I would like to end with Heather’s Ever-Evolving Draft of Demands for the Occupy peeps:

1) Harvard kids. Please. Even the Occupy movement is wondering what you’re doing.
2) How much money are cities wasting on these movements? Is this really the best use of tax dollars?
3) None of these are really demands. I guess my demand lists are no better than Occupy Van’s. Touche.
4) Oranges for everyone!

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