The middle-aged man who forgot you have to take off your shoes when going through security and is wearing dancing Santa Claus socks.
He looks embarrassed, possibly because Santa is dancing very suggestively. Don’t be ashamed. You get with your bad self.

The people who are laughing a little too loudly at  5 a.m.
I find out that they are from Saskatchewan. They might be drunk. I love them.

The old couple buying ALL of the maple syrup in the Edmonton airport.
I love syrup too, but this seems excessive. Then I start to feel competitive. It has been a while since I’ve started a secret competition. I take advantage of their frailness and throw a hip check, then start grabbing the syrup. Don’t dish it out if you can’t take it.

The man who looks like Rowan Atkinson.
The resemblance is uncanny. Possibly my best find of the day. I examine all of his features and begin to wonder whether he might actually be Rowan Atkinson. He catches me staring and I panic. I apologize and tell him that he looks like someone I know. He gives a half smile and returns to his newspaper. I feel relieved but then realize my mistake. I don’t know Rowan Atkinson. I know of him. I can’t leave with this lie being the last thing that we shared. “Excuse me,” I say, “you actually look like someone I know of. Rowan Atkinson, to be exact. I don’t know him personally.”
Fake Rowan Atkinson gets up and leaves.

The man who is complaining about how cold Edmonton is and how he has been counting down the days until he leaves.
I want to kick him in the shin.

The girl whose sandwich looks better than mine.
I want to steal it. Instead I throw my sandwich to the ground and stomp on it. I regret this later.

The elderly woman who uses hand sanitizer every 4 minutes.
A remarkable lady. It seems that she sanitizes at regular intervals plus after emergency situations (ie when something touches her). I want to test this. I ask her to hold my water bottle while I tie my shoe. She looks puzzled, possibly wondering why I don’t just set it on the ground or the table beside me. But she holds it anyway. I tie. She gives it back. She sanitizes. I thank her by shaking her hand. She sanitizes. I shake her hand again. She sanitizes again. I go to shake her hand again but she pulls back. A few minutes pass. I cough into a napkin and pretend to throw it into the trash can but “accidentally” throw it onto her lap. She stops breathing for several seconds before running away. I’m worried that I may have broken her.

The man who looks like a turtle and is editing photos of giant duck statues on his computer. 
What? I don’t know where to start. Man disguised as turtle? Man being half turtle? Turtles using computers? Ducks? There is too much going on here. I face the wall for the remainder of my time in the airport.

*Airport People are based on actual people observed in the Edmonton and Chicago airports. I did not actually throw napkins at anyone, but I really wanted to.