Today I found a cell phone on the ground. I picked it up and started calling numbers until I reached someone who knew the cell phone’s owner. We agreed to meet so that I could give this person the phone.

This would have worked out well for everyone, but unfortunately I had to wait 10 minutes for the person I had called to arrive and that is too long for me to be left alone with technology. I started to change all of the names in the person’s address book. Now the person (whose name, I discovered, is Taylor), will receive phone calls from Batman, Barack Obama, YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE, Bill Cosby, a lonely gremlin, and more. I also added myself as Captain Cool.

We’ll see if Taylor calls.