I can count the things I love more than airports and airplanes on less than one hand: Canada, my cat, and oats. I’m sorry to all my friends and family that didn’t make the cut but thems the breaks.

Today I boarded one such airplane only to discover that aviation had to immediately be removed from my list of most loved things. The reason I used to love being on an airplane was that nobody could contact me. You can’t use a phone, you don’t have internet, and carrier pigeons do not react well to being thrown out of moving objects. Flight is the perfect reprieve from all of life’s stresses. You can’t be blamed for anything that goes wrong in the world while you are on the plane. Building caught on fire? Sorry, I was on a plane. The Black Death sweeps the nation? I was airborn at the time. In fact, I used to book really long flights with many long layovers just to stay in transit longer.

But reprieve no more. Airplanes are now equipped with the internet. Now, some might say, “hey cool kid, you don’t have to use the internet if you don’t want to. It is making everyone who wants to be able to use the interwebs better off while making you no worse off!”

False. False on infinite levels. One of the best things about being on a plane is having people around you who can’t escape your stories and, after enough complimentary glasses of wine, will play the magnetic snakes and ladders game that you brought. Meeting people on planes is the best. I’m usually shy in real life, but plane life is another world. You can tell your seat neighbour anything and know, with confidence, that your secret will remain with that person, or at the most will turn into a “once I met this guy who…” story that will probably never make its way back to your circles. And if it did then it would be cool because you’d be like an urban legend; the ultimate goal.

But now the fools at the internet house decided to supply everyone with internet. Wasn’t it bad enough that people don’t know their neighbours because they meet people on online sites instead? That people don’t acknowledge anyone else on the bus because they are using their smartphone to twitterface something?

Yes, it was bad enough. And now your boss is going to be able to contact you anytime because the internet is everywhere. Lucky for me, most Americans believe me when I say that Canada doesn’t have electricity, much less the internet, so I can escape work demands (I don’t actually have a job) by migrating north. But most of you can not. And you have internet planes to thank for it.

Q.E.D.

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