I believe that much of my confusion in life comes from the fact that people who speak english say things that don’t make sense. I’ve been trying to derive meaning from the following idioms/pieces of advice for at least two years, but I can’t. I give up. Please provide insight if you have any.

1) You made the bed. Now lie in it.
If I took the time to make it up then yes, I think I will be sleeping in it! This is always used in a bad way — like the person created some problem by being clean and now they have to deal with it. More like “I took the time to make the bed, you go sleep on that slab of concrete”. Fool.

2) Fight fire with fire.
This is just an all around bad idea. It’s like saying “fight a bear with another bear”. No. Both bears will eat you. What’s more is that you should not fight malaria by eating mosquitos — it does not work. Smokey the Bear does not say “Only YOU, as well as forest fires, can stop forest fires”. Fight fire with water. Unless it is a grease fire. Then maybe use a bear.

3) You can’t have your cake and eat it too.
But… why did I make the cake? 😦

4) You’re comparing apples and oranges.
That doesn’t seem so bad… they are pretty comparable. This one is more red than that one. This one’s peel tastes good but that one’s does not. There are a lot of lessons to be learned from comparing fruit.

5) Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.
This seems similar to the fight bears and fires with more bears and fires thing. Maybe we’ll just have to agree to disagree.