The creepiest thing about Facebook is how it knows exactly what I’m doing all the time. This is maybe because I google everything I’m about to do (“I am going to buy tortillas, google, see you later”), or because I send them postcards every day (“Hey facebook, going to buy tortillas today!”), but regardless, it is pretty damn creepy. Today it advertised a “how to get through a break-up” book at me which made me sad because it was like “we’re pretty sure this is your life always… or you might be interested in this book about rock formations. But the two probably go together”. Stupid facebook.

I looked at the book and it seemed terrible (the relationship one, not the rock one). It had all this advice like “exercise” and “find a new hobby”. This is nonsense. Having never had a successful relationship, I know what’s what when it comes to getting over someone. I have decided to share my wisdom in a *free* post. You’re welcome.

HOW TO MOVE ON FROM BASICALLY ANYTHING/ANYONE

Step 1. Fly to India.
A particularly painful breakup once occurred about 3 weeks before I was scheduled to fly to India to do “research”. This was a secret blessing, but not because I met a bunch of new people and saw how big the world is and blah blah.

Step 2. Be jet-lagged and act weird and anti-social, maybe because of the break-up but maybe because you’re an economist, so that you aren’t invited to any social events.
This is important so that Step 3 can occur.

Step 3. Spend many evenings in your room that does not have any window screens. Do not sleep with a bed net.
You can spend these nights feeling sad and sorry for yourself if you’d like. If your window has screens, remove them.

Step 4. Get dengue fever. 
This is the turning point! By now you should no longer be thinking about your ex. You should be feeling sweaty and nauseous and you should be in the worst physical pain you’ve ever been in. Your only thoughts should be “I am probably going to die on this floor” and “I wish I had left my debt to my ex in my will” Congratulations – you are getting over him/her! If you are still thinking about your ex then you probably don’t have dengue.

Step 5. Go to the hospital and get better.
They will give you some drugs and I’m still not sure what they are for, but you should take them. This is because they will both keep you alive and they will make you delusional. Instead of wondering about your ex, you’re wondering where the hell am I and also why is that peg-legged spider playing cards with that giant toad? Why is that man poking my arm and could you please turn down the thunder on the second floor?

Step 6. Go back to your apartment and be super paranoid and start taking all of the anti-malarials you were given but didn’t take before.
This prolongs Step 5. If you got the cheap anti-malarials, you will be preoccupied with keeping the angry broomstick away from your passport and have no time to think about breakups.

Step 7. Fly back home.
Fly back to your friends and family who love you. Tell them about the broomstick and the toad and the thunder. They will probably still like you and these are the people you should surround yourself with. If they don’t like you then slip your leftover medication into their cereal*.

 

* DON’T ACTUALLY DO THIS.

Edit: I have been told that this post is too personal and will make people uncomfortable and I’m unemployable. I knew all these things before.

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