Nurr.

I’m not sure why, but this picture perfectly captures how I’ve felt all day.

cheetah

I think I’ve made my point.

Moving on, with dengue.

The creepiest thing about Facebook is how it knows exactly what I’m doing all the time. This is maybe because I google everything I’m about to do (“I am going to buy tortillas, google, see you later”), or because I send them postcards every day (“Hey facebook, going to buy tortillas today!”), but regardless, it is pretty damn creepy. Today it advertised a “how to get through a break-up” book at me which made me sad because it was like “we’re pretty sure this is your life always… or you might be interested in this book about rock formations. But the two probably go together”. Stupid facebook.

I looked at the book and it seemed terrible (the relationship one, not the rock one). It had all this advice like “exercise” and “find a new hobby”. This is nonsense. Having never had a successful relationship, I know what’s what when it comes to getting over someone. I have decided to share my wisdom in a *free* post. You’re welcome.

HOW TO MOVE ON FROM BASICALLY ANYTHING/ANYONE

Step 1. Fly to India.
A particularly painful breakup once occurred about 3 weeks before I was scheduled to fly to India to do “research”. This was a secret blessing, but not because I met a bunch of new people and saw how big the world is and blah blah.

Step 2. Be jet-lagged and act weird and anti-social, maybe because of the break-up but maybe because you’re an economist, so that you aren’t invited to any social events.
This is important so that Step 3 can occur.

Step 3. Spend many evenings in your room that does not have any window screens. Do not sleep with a bed net.
You can spend these nights feeling sad and sorry for yourself if you’d like. If your window has screens, remove them.

Step 4. Get dengue fever. 
This is the turning point! By now you should no longer be thinking about your ex. You should be feeling sweaty and nauseous and you should be in the worst physical pain you’ve ever been in. Your only thoughts should be “I am probably going to die on this floor” and “I wish I had left my debt to my ex in my will” Congratulations – you are getting over him/her! If you are still thinking about your ex then you probably don’t have dengue.

Step 5. Go to the hospital and get better.
They will give you some drugs and I’m still not sure what they are for, but you should take them. This is because they will both keep you alive and they will make you delusional. Instead of wondering about your ex, you’re wondering where the hell am I and also why is that peg-legged spider playing cards with that giant toad? Why is that man poking my arm and could you please turn down the thunder on the second floor?

Step 6. Go back to your apartment and be super paranoid and start taking all of the anti-malarials you were given but didn’t take before.
This prolongs Step 5. If you got the cheap anti-malarials, you will be preoccupied with keeping the angry broomstick away from your passport and have no time to think about breakups.

Step 7. Fly back home.
Fly back to your friends and family who love you. Tell them about the broomstick and the toad and the thunder. They will probably still like you and these are the people you should surround yourself with. If they don’t like you then slip your leftover medication into their cereal*.

 

* DON’T ACTUALLY DO THIS.

Edit: I have been told that this post is too personal and will make people uncomfortable and I’m unemployable. I knew all these things before.

Ghosts and people with chainsaws.

For various unknown reasons, I have been spending a lot of time collecting data on movies. I am struck by the number of horror films that are produced in a year. It really is too much. I think we can shut down Saw XXXIIV5 and use the money to bail out Greece.

In any case, I have a weird thing where I am terrified of watching horror films but still want to know what happens in them. After looking through all of this movie data today, I started reading short plot summaries of the horror movies in the dataset on wikipedia [also why it will take me 18 years to finish the PhD. So productive!]. This turned out not to be a good strategy as my overly-active imagination conjured up images of creepy ghosts and I will probably never sleep again.

I was struck, though, at how unimaginative all of the movies are. There are two basic plot lines:

(1) Something happens to child at young age. Child becomes nutty and starts creeping people out, haunting them, falling down wells and haunting people, etc. You can’t get away from the child because they can hide in cupboards or something [it is actually unclear to me why you can’t just put the child on one of those child leashes and tie it to a tree. I’ll assume there is good reason]. Also of note is that the child is usually a girl (hmm…)
(2) White man is upset for unsaid reasons and goes Jack the Ripper on everything [sometimes this hits a little too close to reality].

Gruesome as the films may be, these plots really make no sense at all. First of all, if you are an angry child ghost and want people to suffer, you do not need to do creepy things. As someone who has no children, I believe I am authorized to say that children are bad enough as is. They cost so much money, hide in the grocery store which causes parents everywhere to have panic attacks, and spit up cheerios. No need to act like a ghost. Just hide on your parents while they are shopping in target. You will cause damage.

If you must act like a ghost, why do you need an elaborate plot to kill others? Crawling through a TV screen if and only if people watch a movie is inefficient. You obviously have the power to destroy us all. Just do it. Don’t hide in a videotape.

For the white men wielding chainsaws: YOU ARE THE MOST PRIVILEGED PERSON ON THE PLANET. New plan for you: calm down, put down your axe, and go get a job and/or promotion. It will happen for you. No need to be a weirdo.

So really I have nothing to worry about with these movies. If a ghost or childcreep ever comes at me, I will tell him/her to read this blog post. If that doesn’t work, I will jump into a sharky ocean. These nutjobs are always covered with blood or carrying a corpse or slaughtering a chicken or some such, so the sharks will for sure go after them while I make a getaway on a dolphin’s back. Flipper — now that’s an underrated movie.

Quick thoughts on things I saw in London today

1. Small children with British accents
Adorable.

2. Old people with British accents
Love them.

3. Other people with British accents
Could do without.

4. Stern looking man in sweater
German.

5. Fifty thousand statues of men on horses
Every other one should be knocked down and replaced with a statue of a woman riding a horse and/or lion and/or dragon.

6. Door knockers in the shape of a lion’s head
Excessive unless resident is Scrooge McDuck.

7. Two weddings in parks
Unfortunate that one will probably end in divorce.

8. Many pigeons
3 of them reminded me of people I know. The rest were meh.

9. Street called Bread Street
Not enough actual bread on street. Should be similar to opening scene from Beauty and the Beast where a baker is wheeling around a cart of bread. Might be misremembering opening scene.

10. Person wearing Canada t-shirt
Heart explosion.

Kids.

“Look at the friendship pebble I found!”
– A four-year-old girl, holding a brick.

Conversations with Eleanor, Part III

Yes folks, Eleanor is back and better than ever.

10:05 p.m., March 1

Setting: Eleanor calls, asking for Susan. 18 minutes later, we have established that I am not, in fact, Susan. The remainder of the conversation:

Eleanor: Why did you change Susan’s number to yours in my phone book?
Me: I didn’t do that
E: Eleanor may have done it. She’s still upset because I told her Alec Trebek is a wetter than a hairy dog at the beach.

AH, ELEANOR. YOU’VE BEEN MISSED.

Which airplane person are you? A short quiz.

  1. What seems to be your preferred colour?
    1. Green – the colour of your eyes, sweater, pants, and shoes.
    2. Boring colours because you are a business-person
    3. Mango
    4. Don’t have one
  2. Why would you fly to Boston?
    1. Tourist-ing
    2. You are a businessperson and are going to do important business things
    3. You don’t know why you’re on a plane
    4. Someone took you
  3. How do you react to people making origami rabbits for you?
    1. You find it charming and offer the person a piece of gum
    2. You find it disturbing and put on headphones
    3. You would love it and that’s why you do it for other people
    4. You don’t notice them doing it
  4. What is your preferred beverage?
    1. Tomato juice
    2. Lots and lots of wine
    3. Chocolate milk, which they regrettably don’t have on airplanes
    4. You never drink anything
  5. How do you like to pass the time?
    1. Falling asleep on my shoulder
    2. Reading newspapers and ignoring your funny and attractive neighbour
    3. Drawing on your neighbour’s newspaper while he is in the restroom
    4. Telling stories

 

If you got…

Mostly 1s: You are the person sitting to my left. You are a 60-year-old bald man who frequently falls asleep on my shoulder and drools on it. You snore a lot but you accepted my origami rabbit with grace, so I let you sleep and don’t draw too much on your face.

Mostly 2s: You are the person sitting to my right. You are a guy in your thirties and a little too cool for school. You drink a lot of wine which causes you to go to the restroom a lot which causes me to write incorrect but funny answers in the crossword puzzle you were working on.

Mostly 3s: You are me. Sucker.

Mostly 4s: You are my book. You are interesting and probably the most liked of the four.