Having been unemployed for 30 years, the time has come for me to get a job. I was told that the suit I fashioned for myself out of spoons and elastic bands is “not a suit” so today I set out to buy a “real” one.
It was not easy. I learned a lot about my body proportions at the first place I went. All of the suits were either too short in the arms but fit elsewhere or the right size in the arms but too big elsewhere. The salesperson commented that “we rarely have this problem” and “you almost need a man’s suit”.
Feeling discouraged by the fact that I have gorilla arms but encouraged by the fact that I resemble Tom Hanks (obviously), I visited another shop. Now I started having a problem with pants. Sure they fit in the moment but what about after eating an entire pie?
Then I struck gold. I found an entire rack of suit pants with elastic-y waists. I was so happy. I took the entire rack to the fitting room. It was at that moment that the salesperson mentioned that a lot of women try to buy things ahead of time but sometimes it’s best to wait until you’re showing so that you know what will fit. Ah, I thought, I should come back when I’ve eaten an entire pie and my belly is showing. Good thinking. She later asked me when I was due and it was at THAT moment that I realized they were maternity pants.
Needless to say, I bought 3 pairs. Pregnant women are geniuses.
EMUS 
all my job market suits had elastic waists. it’s crucial.
you do look a lot like tom hanks but i never wanted to tell you in case it went to your head